Struggling

One Month.
Thats all the time left until Jeff leaves for his deployment. And its consuming me. All I can think about is how I want to spend every second of every day with him, but thats impossible when he is working 6:30-5 Tuesday through Friday, and I am spending my weekends at clinicals from 7-3:30. I feel like I'm wasting all this time that I should be spending with him and with Cain.

Its been really hard for me to handle actually. I sit and think about all the hours in the next month that I'm spending away from my husband. And then I try and take the positive spin and think about how worth it all of this will be a year from now. A Year from now when Jeff will be home from deployment, I will be done with nursing school, and our life can finally "begin".

But in the meantime, I'm consumed with trying to wrap my brain around "How am I going to do this!?" I am not 100% dependent on Jeff, but I do rely on him a lot. Simple things that he takes care of around the house make all the difference, and when he walks in the door and smiles at me, or hugs me, or when we are holding hands and he'll just squeeze my hand for no reason at all...I rely on those things. And I won't get those things while he is gone. And I don't know how I'll manage without them. For crying out loud, I could barely handle the 17 weeks he was away for BCT and AIT...but 52 weeks?! Seriously? I may just lose my sanity.

I suppose I'll probably spend more of my time writing down my feelings, documenting this experience. I'll write him everyday, and sleep with my phone by my head again, on the loudest ring possible. I finally just got used to putting my phone away at night, because he is here, and now I will have to go back to that constant state of anxiety and paranoia about missing any message or phone call from him. *sigh* oh the life of an army wife.

I know, that at the end of this year, I will be a much stronger person, and my relationships strength will have increased immensely, but knowing that doesn't always make the struggles easier. I also know that Heavenly Father wouldn't deal me more than I can handle, so I just need to continue to put my faith in knowing that I CAN DO THIS--or else He wouldn't have dealt me this experience.

"Sometimes you have to be away from the people you love. This doesnt make you love them less, sometimes it makes you love them more"