Tuesday, August 31, 2010


This post is going to be pretty personal. Its not something I talk about with a lot of people and only my close friends and mother in law know how I feel (and Jeff of course).

My mom ran out on my dad, brother, and I when I was 4ish..(maybe 5?) I was young, lets leave it at that. She ran off, and was hardly in contact with us. I think that I could count the number of times I've seen her since, on both of my hands. She couldn't handle the pressures of being young (about 21-23 ish), alone with two small children, while my dad was deployed (he served in Desert Storm). She got into some bad habits, and in the end, decided that a family life just wasn't for her. Now, even though I was so young and have lived my whole life without a mother figure (my stepmom really can't count for "motherly") I'm still not used to the fact that I didn't have a woman's influence on my life. And it hurts. It shouldn't, but it does.

Now that I am a mother myself, and find myself in a very similar situation..nearly the exact same one...I'm 22, alone with one small child, and my husband is deployed- It bugs me. I have vowed my entire life to never be like my mother, and here I am, practically living the same life she did at this age. However, one big difference, I know better.

I have the biggest fear of being like her. Its the one thing that I want to avoid in this life. I don't ever want my child to feel unwanted, or to go a day of his life questioning whether he is loved. I want him to have both of his parents to turn to, and to have a house of happiness.

Because of this, I have a hard time accepting help with him. My In-Laws have been wonderful and have offered COUNTLESS times to watch him over night, to keep him for an evening so I can study, to watch him for an extra hour so I can nap, etc etc. But I just have a hard time saying "Yes". I feel that if I allow this, if I give up anytime with my son, then I am becoming the woman my mother is. I don't want to miss a minute of his life and I don't ever want him to think "where was mom for that" or "I wish my mom had been there".

A lot of these emotions have come up recently since Jeff left. The stress of caring for a two month old, going to school, having your husband away for the next year, and preparing to go back to work...is a lot. Now, don't get my wrong, I am in NO WAY complaining (except about the part where Jeff is gone!) But, it does wear on you.

I know that I will never be my mother, but I want so BADLY to prove to everybody that I can be a good mom.


  1. You are not your mother. You obviously love your son very much, and even though it is hard to accept help giving yourself a tiny break to study, take a bubble bath, or stare at the wall is going to make you an EVEN BETTER mom.

  2. You are not your mother and no one will think that. You have a lot on your plate but you are stronger than that an if you dont accept help when it is offered you will fall apart, that is one thing I definitely learnt the hard way this deployment. Take a nap when you need it and know that you will wake up ready to smile at your baby and say reassuring words to your husband refreshed.

  3. Jen, by acknowledging that you are not your mother, already makes you better. And accepting help.. I know how you're feeling. But sometimes, it's just for the best. You know? The faster you can get through school, the faster you can get to a real job and have all your time for Jeff and Cain!