This post is going to be pretty personal. Its not something I talk about with a lot of people and only my close friends and mother in law know how I feel (and Jeff of course).
My mom ran out on my dad, brother, and I when I was 4ish..(maybe 5?) I was young, lets leave it at that. She ran off, and was hardly in contact with us. I think that I could count the number of times I've seen her since, on both of my hands. She couldn't handle the pressures of being young (about 21-23 ish), alone with two small children, while my dad was deployed (he served in Desert Storm). She got into some bad habits, and in the end, decided that a family life just wasn't for her. Now, even though I was so young and have lived my whole life without a mother figure (my stepmom really can't count for "motherly") I'm still not used to the fact that I didn't have a woman's influence on my life. And it hurts. It shouldn't, but it does.
Now that I am a mother myself, and find myself in a very similar situation..nearly the exact same one...I'm 22, alone with one small child, and my husband is deployed- It bugs me. I have vowed my entire life to never be like my mother, and here I am, practically living the same life she did at this age. However, one big difference, I know better.
I have the biggest fear of being like her. Its the one thing that I want to avoid in this life. I don't ever want my child to feel unwanted, or to go a day of his life questioning whether he is loved. I want him to have both of his parents to turn to, and to have a house of happiness.
Because of this, I have a hard time accepting help with him. My In-Laws have been wonderful and have offered COUNTLESS times to watch him over night, to keep him for an evening so I can study, to watch him for an extra hour so I can nap, etc etc. But I just have a hard time saying "Yes". I feel that if I allow this, if I give up anytime with my son, then I am becoming the woman my mother is. I don't want to miss a minute of his life and I don't ever want him to think "where was mom for that" or "I wish my mom had been there".
A lot of these emotions have come up recently since Jeff left. The stress of caring for a two month old, going to school, having your husband away for the next year, and preparing to go back to work...is a lot. Now, don't get my wrong, I am in NO WAY complaining (except about the part where Jeff is gone!) But, it does wear on you.
I know that I will never be my mother, but I want so BADLY to prove to everybody that I can be a good mom.