Motherhood

This post is going to be pretty personal. Its not something I talk about with a lot of people and only my close friends and mother in law know how I feel (and Jeff of course).

My mom ran out on my dad, brother, and I when I was 4ish..(maybe 5?) I was young, lets leave it at that. She ran off, and was hardly in contact with us. I think that I could count the number of times I've seen her since, on both of my hands. She couldn't handle the pressures of being young (about 21-23 ish), alone with two small children, while my dad was deployed (he served in Desert Storm). She got into some bad habits, and in the end, decided that a family life just wasn't for her. Now, even though I was so young and have lived my whole life without a mother figure (my stepmom really can't count for "motherly") I'm still not used to the fact that I didn't have a woman's influence on my life. And it hurts. It shouldn't, but it does.

Now that I am a mother myself, and find myself in a very similar situation..nearly the exact same one...I'm 22, alone with one small child, and my husband is deployed- It bugs me. I have vowed my entire life to never be like my mother, and here I am, practically living the same life she did at this age. However, one big difference, I know better.

I have the biggest fear of being like her. Its the one thing that I want to avoid in this life. I don't ever want my child to feel unwanted, or to go a day of his life questioning whether he is loved. I want him to have both of his parents to turn to, and to have a house of happiness.

Because of this, I have a hard time accepting help with him. My In-Laws have been wonderful and have offered COUNTLESS times to watch him over night, to keep him for an evening so I can study, to watch him for an extra hour so I can nap, etc etc. But I just have a hard time saying "Yes". I feel that if I allow this, if I give up anytime with my son, then I am becoming the woman my mother is. I don't want to miss a minute of his life and I don't ever want him to think "where was mom for that" or "I wish my mom had been there".

A lot of these emotions have come up recently since Jeff left. The stress of caring for a two month old, going to school, having your husband away for the next year, and preparing to go back to work...is a lot. Now, don't get my wrong, I am in NO WAY complaining (except about the part where Jeff is gone!) But, it does wear on you.

I know that I will never be my mother, but I want so BADLY to prove to everybody that I can be a good mom.

M-I-L

Today I had lab from 8-12. And when I got home, I got to take a 2.5 hour nap. Props to my Mother In Law for watching the baby a little longer! YAY!!!

oh!!

Here is a picture of my cutie to start the post off :) He was in the middle of talking with Nana..

2 1/2 weeks into this deployment. OH! It is going far to slow! However..good news, in 2 months I get to be with Jeff for 4 days :)

I did the math. Our first anniversary is Sept 26. :) We will have spent 4 1/2 months of our marriage together. Yea, that blows. He will spend our 1st anniversary training, I will spend it in clinicals. :( However, even though I've barely spent ANY of my marriage with my husband, its been a wonderful year with him and I'm so glad he is the one I get to spend all eternity with :)

In other news...School started back up. My two weeks off FLEW by..I can't even believe how fast it went..I didn't get to do HALF of what I wanted to do.. *sigh* I guess there is always winter break..which is a WHOLE 3-4 weeks :) This semester is already overwhelming and we've only had one night of class! BUT- I did get ahead already :) I'm getting pretty darn good at getting things done while sqworms is sleeping!

Sooooo...I'm absolutely nuts. I love my little man so much and he has been such a GOOD baby!! Seriously, I'm a lucky gal. Well, my friend just had a little girl, and now...I've got the fever! BABY FEVER! haha. Not really, but man, that day I was like "sqworms needs a sibling!!!"

I guess I should explain--sqworms. Its Cain's nickname. He. Is. Constantly. Moving. He is a mover and a groover! So one day Jeff goes, "He will be called sqworms...SQ-WORMS!" So now he is Sqworms or, as Jeff calls him, Sqwormatron. :) Poor kid. lol

Vent.

Not a good week.

1) I miss jeff so much
2) I am losing faith in the human race.
3) I'm tired of putting on my "happy" face..and then having a breakdown at night when nobody is looking.

Goodbyes and Keeping Busy

I AM SO SO SO SORRY that it took me so long to get back on here. I was really sick last week (I took my final with a temp of 101.4 and the temp peaked at 103 that night)..I took all of last week to get better and take care of other things that I needed to accomplish. SO now, its time to tell you about two of the hardest days of my life!

We had a send off for 2 companies here in town last Sunday. The send offs were wonderful and really honored our soldiers and it was wonderful to see so many people there supporting our troops and loved ones. It means a lot to know that so much of the community is behind these men and women! I didn't have a hard time at Sunday's send off because I knew that I didn't have to say my goodbye until the next day, however, when the buses drove by, lead by 2 fire trucks and a whole bunch of motorcycles, I lost it. There were so many crying wives and children around me, and I realized that Jeff wasn't coming home at the end of the day. He won't be home until his mid tour leave (if they are allowed one--there are rumors circling that they may not get one)..

Then that night we were able to spend the evening together in Des Moines...and then it was Monday. D-day as I called it..I knew as soon as I woke up it was going to be a hard day, harder than I could imagine. I woke up and it felt like I had a rock in my stomach, I just felt sick knowing what was ahead..Jeff and I got ready in silence, partly because neither of us wanted to cry, and because we both were trying to keep it together for the other..

Monday's send off was just as wonderful as Sunday's. Once again I swelled with pride for my husband and to see how many people from the community came out to see the soldiers. After the send off, we had 1 hour with our loved ones before they had to load the buses and head to Mississippi. That hour was way to short. When Jeff loaded the bus, my heart ached. I couldn't believe that I had just had my last hug and kiss for who knows how long..I know that a year isn't much compared to what others go through with loved ones gone, but I just couldn't believe that he walked onto that bus and I was going home to an empty house..

The past week has been an intersting one. Between being sick and missing Jeff, and trying to keep myself occupied. I do really well during the day. I keep busy enough that I don't have time to think about much, but at night, thats when it hits me. I am lonely without Jeff here. He isn't just my husband, he is my best friend. So with him gone, not only do I not have my husband to turn to, but I also don't have my best friend..

In attempts to stay busy, I have rearranged the house (i love it! makes it look much larger! and cleaner) and I have been hanging out with friends and of course my little munchkin Cain. I start school next week, and work 2 weeks after that, so soon I will be EVEN busier and I'm hoping that will help the next year just absolutely FLY by!!

Well, its time to get little mister off to bed!

Here's to the next 365 days!

Well, this weekend I had 2 send off ceremonies for Jeff and some of the other Iowa soldiers who are deploying...sadly, I have a 101.4 temp today, so I am not up to writing all about my weekend, so I will get to that later this week! PROMISE. But in the mean time...here is a little teaser of the weekend!



My baby boy watching his daddy!!

Just a FEW of the wonderful Iowa soldiers who are deploying!

Love my family!!!

Jeff tried packing Cain!!!

Your Lucky! Two posts in one day...

So you often see pictures of blogs where there is a picture of the soldiers boots and the females flip flops or high heels. I adore those pictures. Absolutely love them. And I have taken some pictures like that. But I wanted to try something a little different.. So this is what I came up with!

sorry!

SOOOOO sorry for the lack in posting. The past couple weeks have been Jeff and I trying to cram every minute of quality time together when we aren't in school or working, so I haven't had much time to blog..

Deployment is in 6 days... :/
Not sure if I will have time to blog before then since we have a pretty busy week ahead of us..but I will be back in 6 days for sure!